The Choices We Make as Women, pt 3

It's probably a given, but let me express it anyway, I'm thinking here...what constitutes home for a woman often determines whether or not she feels guilty about working or not working when she has children. Our feelings develop when we are young, at least my mom's and my own did, and to the extent we recreate that image in our own homes, that's the extent to which we feel guilty or not.

Mom's family with a few additional extended family members

Mom and Dad tried to recreate the home they remembered from their childhoods, with mom in the home and dad working to support the family. Our dinners, at least before my mother went to work, were in the dinning room, with mom at one end of the large table and dad at the other. We were not to chat until they acknowledged us and if they wanted to say something to one another that we shouldn't hear, they talked in pig-latin. Of course, sly Duros' that we were, we figured out the code.

This scenario changed, after our house caught fire in 1963. An oil furnace heated our large turn-of-the-century two-story home. The ignitor sparked some clothes, and fire shot up the middle of the house. The firemen said the thick black oil-smoke that collected in the second floor and attic could of killed us all, if it had occurred at night while we were sleeping. As it were, mom and my two youngest siblings were home, the others at school, and she was able to get Bob and Virginia out of the house just in time before anyone was hurt. With the seven of us farmed out to relatives, the event created a stressful time for Mom. We, on the other hand, were having a great time, staying with relatives, who treated us like royalty.

The fire became a watershed event for our family.

My mom and dad weren't perfect, what parent is. They had their faults, but it seems, at least to me, that life changed dramatically after the fire. Mom went to work at the hospital, working in labor and delivery. She felt guilty leaving us. She felt guilty life wasn't the ideal she held in her mind. My parents grew critical and suspicious of one another, their arguments became heated and when finally they divorced, Mom felt guilty, guilty, guilty. She tried to keep things as normal as she could, but to this day, she still ruminates about should haves, wish I hads, and if onlys.

It's interesting, probably not for in-laws or for outsiders, but for us, when the siblings get together and rehash old Duros stories, there is a dividing line between life before and after the fire, and certainly after the divorce. The dynamics changed. When still together, Mom at home during the day, worked nights at the hospital and Dad cooked and cared for the kids in the evenings. After they divorced, sisters and brothers stepped up and tried to help mom out with the younger ones by recreating the normalcy they remembered. Neighborhood life continued, just neighborhoods changed, such as playing outside until the street lights came on and in bed by 9 at night on school nights. My younger brother Rick, became the family cook.

We remember these stories and rehash them with fondness, however, when Mom hears them, because her ideal of life, picture the Waltons, never materialized, she hears critical remarks, because that's how her mind translates it all. Mom worries we'll only remember bad times.Though they were bad times for her, for us, it was all part of our growing up, all part of our own memories, our own normalcy, and we could never imagine ourselves saying: "Good-night Patty," "Good-night Bobby," "Good-night Linnea."

As in any prejudice, my prejudice is based on viewing the other (those working women with children at home), without a sense of empathy. Let's be specific though. I don't remember ever feeling that way toward my mom or my sisters who had to work outside the home. I knew their situations, I loved them, I empathized with them, therefore, my prejudicial feelings didn't extend toward them. Nor did it extend toward any divorced woman, or single parent trying to manage a family life with children. It was only those who chose to work, not out of economic necessity, but for the joy of pursuing a career to enhance their own personality. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't try to understand. I was being judgmental.

Crateva religiosa (Capparaceae) by Eric Guinther

We condemn the other out of our own sense of guilt. What do I mean? Women who stay at home, feel guilty they are not out there making important changes in the world, contributing to society or even to the family coffers. We work hard at convincing ourselves, and rightly so, that staying home IS contributing to society as we seek to raise stable, happy children who will one day make their own contribution. Since I've never walked their path, I don't know the guilt women carry that work hard at balancing a career and home-life, but I suspect they too seek to convince themselves that their path IS contributing to society and raising stable, happy children. Instead of dealing with the guilt, we often project our own sense of inadequacy onto others by being judgmental.

I believe most of us have figured out by now, however, that in or out of the home, we are all working women.

My contribution to society was and continues to be taking care of the family as Joe worked/works to provide. But it's something that suits MY personality, suits my image of family life, and therefore I don't feel it stifles my personality (except my image never included a husband gone half the time, and busy the other half, and that took some major letting-go to arrive at any sort of peace).

Besides, if I'm honest with myself, by homeschooling my children, that fulfilled another area of my personality, the learner, the researcher, the writer. I am a mother, I am a caregiver, I am a writer, THAT's what I am. For other women, staying home would stifle their personality, and that's something I've had to learn to accept. As the saying goes, if Mama ain't happy, no one's happy.

Does it make ANY difference that I've come to this realization? I think so. Every effort to eliminate prejudice, no matter how small, no matter what form it takes, is good. It sends positive energy into the universe and peace to the individual. Every effort to treat one another with compassion and understanding counters the negativity so prevalent in today's society. Then too, as women we need one another. We don't need to be judgmental toward the other, toward a woman living her life on her own terms, because of who SHE is. It's her individual decision, as a human being, made in conjunction with her own and/or her family's needs in mind. Therefore, let us support our individual efforts to be who we are, in our own sphere of influence, at our own moment in history for the good of us all. Fini.